#24: Personal Timeline

I have recently completed an exercise set by my tutor, to create a personal timeline of all the significant events in my life. It has given me a lot to reflect on. I started by listing everything out in chronological order.

I then added colours that determine significant events, and explanations why that event was meaningful. The headings for these significant events were provided from Brookfield’s Critical Incident Questionnaire:
– Most Engaging
– Most Affirming
– Most Distancing
– Most Puzzling
– Most Surprising

I have to say there were not many events that were surprising and just a few that were puzzling, perhaps I am not reflecting clearly enough. However it was very satisfying to be able to lay out each beat of my life. I began to see patterns emerging and certain themes recurring.

It could be said that there are a few key events that have shaped the course of my life, my family running childrens entertainments gave me an early fascination with creating wonder for people though stories and stagecraft. I would go on tour with my family during panto season and be transported by the excitement of it all. I loved the way the sets would unfold after we unloaded the van, canvas tabs would fall down revealing a colourful landscape, puppets and props would be set out, a whole fantastical world would pop up in school halls and working men’s clubs where the pantomime would take place. Then I would peek through the scenery and watch the audience come in, the excitement of the children when they saw the set and heard the pre-show music. A familiar corner of their world had changed, something magical was occurring, and it was exciting to be behind the scenes, making it happen.

I have followed in this vein ever since, I have always valued the independence of working for myself, I find it very affirming to get paid for work that has come entirely out of my brain. And I still love creating unfolding contraptions that transport people into magical worlds. This too has been reflected in my life-long love of reading comic books, science fiction, fantasy and graphic novels . I love stories that create a world for me to explore, I like narratives to be immersive, to come to life. I hold dear any suggestion that the mundane ‘real’ world is not all there is, that there might be a well-spring of magic just below the surface, waiting to be discovered.

Another significant event was the trauma that we went through in my family when I was an adolescent. This gave me an insatiable need to understand difficult and complicated feelings. I have especially relished the opportunity to explore this using theatre and storytelling. I remember making a promise at the time that I would use what I was learning from this suffering to help other people. Ever since I have felt a calling to explore the murky underworld of feelings, I feel much closer to people when they share the truth of themselves with me and I think that the more truth that is brought into the world the better it gets.

This is why I have always loved poetry and music. It works like a magic spell, articulating a subtle truth with a word or a lyric that sheds light on a feeling that was previously unnameable. When I read a poem that reflects my inner reality I feel a shudder go down my spine, I am no longer alone and lost, this feeling is now on a map, a truth has entered the world. The words and music of Blake, Betjeman, Cohen, Dylan and Joanna Newsom were the map that guided me thought difficult times. And I have tried my best to be a guide for others when I had the opportunity to write stories that explored painful feelings. I have been most proud of my work when I have managed to create a moment for the audience where they have the opportunity to experience two conflicting feelings at the same time, like happy/sad. I see it as an important skill to be able to hold the complexity of conflicting emotions.

In spite or perhaps because of my proclivity to explore painful feelings, my early adult life has been dominated by a pattern of breakdowns followed by periods of regeneration. The trauma of my adolescence, coupled with issues related to a life-long lack of a father figure, has meant that I have spent a lot of my life dealing with occasionally crippling low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I did my best to manage by finding a strong support network and self-medicating through drug use, but these ignored underlying problems found form in a very destructive pattern of behaviour in my romantic relationships. This went though repeating cycles until I reached the point of contemplating suicide in my early/mid thirties. At this point I found a way to process and heal my trauma using a mixture of therapy and Vipassana meditation. I remember the exact point when I began to have hope again and I knew I would be ok. I see this discovery as a fulcrum in my life, if I had not found this understanding there is a chance I might not have lived for very much longer. Since then the cycles gradually lost power and began to stop as I learnt how to spot them and gained a deeper understanding of how to operate my own mind. I still struggle occasionally and I still have to work at it most days but I feel safe in the knowledge that I know how to find my way through. I now feel a keen sense of duty to help others by sharing this discovery in whatever way that I can.

Since completing the exercise there has been a couple of recurring thoughts that have been coming back to me: I have felt most fulfilled in my life when I have had the chance to put my painful feelings to good use. Instead of them being a burden to be suffered, I have used art and storytelling to turn them into a super power. Just like the characters in the comics and graphic novels I read when I was young, I was able to use my abilities to help others. And perhaps most valuable of all, this exercise reminded me that I have done it, that I am good at it. That I can do it again.

I can’t say exactly what the immediate future holds, I still don’t have a very clear way to get through to my next intervention. But I feel bolstered and assured by completing this task. It was very useful to remind myself of what has brought me here and what has inspired me through the years. These things are now closer, easier to grasp, and I’m sure they will come to hand as I continue to work my way through.